Things I Care More About Than Jeff Bezos' Wedding

Jeff Bezos and his fiancé Lauren Sanchez have taken Venice by storm for their upcoming nuptials. It is a star studded affair where the elite, who normally drone on about climate change, take a break from all that talk, and arrive in dozens of private jets before being chauffeured about.
I’m sure they’ll think about all that later. Right?

Anyway, the socials are lit up with talk of the Bezos’ wedding.
And I really really really care about their $100M wedding, it’s just, well, there are other things I care about MORE.

Things I Care More About Than Jeff Bezos' Wedding

1. The expiration date on my baking soda.

2. The spoon that fell to the bottom of the dishwasher.

3. Avocados that ripen too quickly.

4. Avocados that take forever to ripen.

5. Avocados in general.

6. How many interns it takes to apply Lauren Sanchez's lashes?

7. When my shampoo runs out way before the conditioner.

8. If mermaids need to shave.

9. The return of McDonald's snack wraps. WHERE ARE THEY?

10. Whether birds have an "inner voice."

11. Why ice cream has a serving size of only 1/2 cup.

12. If a bowl of cereal and milk is technically "soup."

13. The moment in Titanic when Rose could have DEFINITELY moved over on that floating door.

14. Why I can remember the lyrics to every childhood jingle, cartoon and 70's sitcom, but not where I parked.