How to Turn Your New Country into the One you Just Left

I just finished a lovely European vacation. I wandered through villages and prayed in Cathedrals and observed local customs and it all made me stop and ponder what it would be like to live in another country.
Not on an Air Force base, been there-done that, every two years of my life, but really live there. As in, pack it all up and move.
Begin a new chapter. Maybe a new continent.
Mexico? France? Costa Rica? I don’t know, yet. Somewhere with cheap wine and real butter. Eastern Europe’s got a rugged charm. I hear Bulgaria’s lovely.

But one place I’ve officially crossed off the list? Switzerland.
You see, in Switzerland, they have this outrageous idea that if you want to live there, you should…wait for it…follow the rules.
Apparently, you can’t just roll into Zurich, buy a luxury flat, throw up a foreign flag, and demand a fondue stipend. Oh, please. Kids, you need permits. Visas. You have to live in Switzerland ten years before even applying for citizenship. The nerve!

Who needs that kind of aggravation?

Unless, of course, I just move there illegally. In which case I’d expect Swiss police to greet me with a gift basket filled with Toberlone, a free phone and housing assistance.

No? Oh.
So that’s only in America.

Got it.

That makes sense, ‘cause here’s what I’ve been noticing in the good ol’ U.S. of A—apparently, if you move to a country—and this is key—you’re not actually expected to join it. Oh no. Please. That’s so 1950s.

The real move is to turn it into the place you just left.

Yep, I have been paying attention to what’s going on around me and in the streets of large US cities and large cities across Europe. From what I’ve gathered, the process includes moving to escape the horrors, injustice, crime and lack of freedom and opportunity you’d been experiencing in your home country, and then, and this is the important part, working hard to turn the country you just moved to into the country you just left.

Not everyone does this, mind you. There are still plenty of people who come to the US through legal channels and who, once here, embrace the culture with gratitude and joy. My grandparents were those people.
We see these beautiful souls joining in protecting their new country, protecting our flag, protecting our cities. Different backgrounds, different cultures, different accents, but all united in loving America.
It makes the heart sing.
I want to make them all sourdough bread.

And then…there’s the others.

I have an entire folder full of examples of this behavior. Suffice it to say, this is just part of the anti-American shenanigans being carried out across our fruited plains. Screaming, hysteria, stupidity. I remember when my children acted this way. I usually handled it with a time out and then a nap.
They were toddlers.

Now, whether these folks are immigrants who hate America or home-grown Americans who hate America, one thing is clear…
they hate America.

Which begs two logical questions:
WHY DID YOU COME HERE?
WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?

And make no mistake—there’s a method to this madness. A template. A tried and true formula for turning your NEW country into the once you couldn’t wait to leave.

So, in the spirit of public service (and snark) I give you:

How to Turn Your New Country into the One you Just Left
A handy dandy 6-step guide

Step 1: Pack Light
Bring only the essentials: your national flag, a deep sense of entitlement, and absolutely zero intention of assimilating. If your suitcase still has room, maybe pack some resentment toward Western civilization. If it’s the US, tuck a pocket-sized US Constitution to burn inside a side pocket.

Step 2: Demand Accommodation
Insist that your new country accommodate your old country’s customs, language and worldview…OR ELSE. Demand that all signs, services, brochures, menus and government paperwork be translated into your native language. Your new country should bend to YOU, not the other way around.

Step 3: Reject Local customs
National holidays? Offensive. Local traditions? How dare they. Do not stop speaking and tweeting and acting out until the host country stops acting like itself and starts acting like your neighborhood back home. If it’s the United States, be sure to amp up your efforts around July 4th. Maybe start a Change.org petition.

Step 4: Plant your flag. The old one, that is.
At every opportunity, wave your former country’s flag: parades, protests, PTA meetings, etc…and if someone dares raise the flag of the nation you are now living in, be ready to rip it down while cheering crowds record you on TikTok.

Step 5: Trash your new country publicly
Your social media feeds should be nothing more than one long angry scroll of phrases like:
”This land is unjust!!”
”FREEDOM” with a line through it
”Burn it all down”
”Globalize the intifada!”
Spit (literally and/or figuratively) on the law enforcement, legal system and cultural traditions of the new country you CHOSE to move to.
Include vague hashtags like #resist #oppression #war and #cancelFondue

Step 6: Accuse the locals of intolerance
If anyone DARES suggest you learn the language, follow the laws, or maybe stop setting things on fire, immediately and without delay accuse them of xenophobia, colonialism, or microagressions.
They will scurry away with their tails between their xenophobic legs.
Also, accuse them of cultural appropriation if they ever pronounce your name wrong.

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I can’t. I just…can’t.
DEAR BABY JESUS IN A MANGER…do you know how hard it was to write that?

I gave it my best try, but holy smokes…channeling that level of logic defying lunacy is exhausting. I need a snack. And a nap. And vodka.

Listen, kids, if you decide to move to France, go! Have a great time, but don’t demand they rename the Eiffel Tower the “Freedom Stick.”
Don’t insist the German locals learn English faster.
Don’t crash a Swiss village square screaming about fondue equity.
Don’t boycott restaurants over a lack of iced tea.
And do NOT plant a giant American flag on a Costa Rican beach while lecturing the locals about why they need more Walmarts.

’Cause here’s the deal. And it’s wacky, so you might want to hold on to something…

If you CHOOSE to move to a new country, maybe, and I know this is wild…

TRY RESPECTING IT.

Maybe learn the language. Observe the laws. Appreciate the culture. Maybe don’t set it all on fire. And for the love of common sense, stop trying to turn every destination into the place you were desperate to leave.

And if you can’t or won’t do that?

Just stay where you are and keep complaining.
It’s cheaper. It’s easier than moving.
And frankly, you’re already really good at it.

And if you were born in a country you really hate, I’m sorry that happened to you. But, you aren’t stuck. Fortunately, there are these new things called PLANES.

I tell you true, those of us who love the country will happily help you pack.