Herbs de Hypocrisy

and other new Penzeys Spices

Penzeys Spices, the kind and caring company whose tag lines include things like:

LOVE PEOPLE: Cook them tasty food.
CHOOSE LOVE
and
HEAL THE WORLD: Cook dinner tonight

has once again amped up their hate for half the country in the days proceeding the Presidential Election, and in so doing, has given us a brilliant look at the very definition of “unhinged.”

Now, I’ve written about Bill Penzey before. Read HERE. Heck, I used to buy their stuff. But that was before they basically told half the country to go to hell. If you have an R behind your name, Penzeys wants nothing to do with you. (I don’t have an R behind my name, but the very notion of loathing half the country and encouraging others to do the same simply because of their political preferences does not sit well with me. It defies logic, which is exactly what hate does to you.)

Lest you fear I am engaging in hyperbole, let’s take a look at the “love and healing” promoted by this company, starting out with their website.
Note the last menu item.

Spices…Trial bags…Gift Boxes…Accessories…Express Order…About Us…About Republicans
An entire page of their website devoted to demonizing people who vote differently than they do.

Mind you, these are the same folks who sent a letter out to their customers in the wake of the 2016 election, telling people to fight with those who voted for the Donald. Sow discourse among your family. Heck, LOSE family and friends. Leave the Thanksgiving dinner if necessary.

I don’t get this level of animosity, but the unhinged among us work from a different head space. It’s hard to understand that level of hate, animosity and intolerance from those telling everyone to LOVE, but that’s how hypocrisy works. And you’d think, as time passed, the shine would wear off the need for this level of derangement. I mean, carrying that much hate around has got to get old and wear on a soul.

But Bill Penzey is no quitter when it comes to hate and intolerance. The dude refuses to quit, as seen in this recent sponsored ad on The Facebook:

Awwww. What a guy!

In light of his Spice Guy Instability, I thought I would help him out. I mean, the shtick is getting a little old and he’s in need of a revamp, methinks, more in line with Penzeys core philosophy. So, Bill, wipe the spittle from your mouth and the angry sweat from your brow. I AM HERE TO HELP.

I present a new and factual ad for Penzeys Spices.

Is YOUR spice rack full of Penzeys Spices? Congratulations! You’re not just seasoning your food, you are supporting a brand that believes in seasoning every conversation and communication with a hefty dose of divisiveness and hate!

Be sure take advantage of some of our newest offerings:

VIRTUE VANILLA: Is it even vanilla if it isn’t self-righteous?

WOKE WASABI: A horseradish that brings the heat along a sense of outrage over everything.

SALT & SANCTIMONY: a classic blend you are sure to reach for again and again. Salty with an aftertaste of preachy.

CANCEL CUMIN: a spice so strong and overwhelming, it easily removes other flavors from the dish

SAFE SPACE SAFFRON: the perfect addition when your dish needs an escape from reality

TRIGGER TUMERIC: bright, bold and ready to make you feel something…maybe too much of something.

HERBS DE HYPOCRISY: the perfect pairing when you preach LOVE but encourage hate. (It’s a Penzeys exclusive)

Not only will these Penzeys offerings spice up your meals, but they’ll also sprinkle in unsolicited hateful opinions at no additional charge. Rest assured, no matter your personal level of outrage, Penzeys has a spice for that!

WARNING: Before consuming any Penzeys Spice, be sure to have mouthwash, toothpaste or a mint nearby, as they WILL leave a bitter aftertaste.