Discounted Lipitor: A Nation in Crisis

Trump made drugs affordable and civilization collapsed

( I read some good news today. But like all good news from this administration, the media will either ignore it or turn it into a catastrophe. Ignoring it is easy, but turning it into bad news takes dedication. Commitment. And unhinged zeal to twist a ray of happy sunshine into a melanoma crisis.)

This administration could hand out free inhalers and they’d run a segment on how it’s contributing to ozone depletion. Dear Baby Jesus in a manger…

Yes, the media is working round the clock to spin the sad. Just, tireless efforts.
So, I decided to help them out.

You’re welcome, American press.

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In a blatant attack on the American way of life, President Donald Trump signed an executive order today, slashing prescription/pharmaceutical prices by 30 to 80 percent.

As if closing the border wasn’t enough, Trump is now attempting to make the country safer AND healthier.

The nerve of this guy.

Is he even considering the implications of such a move?
Of course he isn’t.
But I sure am.
And the consequences are devastating.

1. Big Pharma’s Yacht Industry Hit Hard
With the drop in prices, how will the CEO’s afford their third mega yacht? It rips at the heart and tears at the soul. Oh, how the children will suffer.

2. Think of the Children
   Speaking of children, the offspring of Big Pharma executives might experience even greater pain.
   High schoolers with names like Wren, Buffy and Summer will only get to take ONE ski trip per year to Switzerland.
   
   Just ONE.
   
   And their rooms will be downgraded from the penthouse to standard suites. (Yes, I got emotional just typing that. Stay strong, Wren, Buffy and Summer!)
   Sure, lower drug prices will keep a lot of people alive, but it is KILLING European ski trips.
   Oh, the inhumanity.
   

3. The Rest of the World Suffers
   And while we’re on the topic of Switzerland, these lower drug costs are going to seriously impact the number of luxury items, like, say, expensive Swiss timepieces purchased by top pharma execs.
   Fewer expensive Swiss timepieces purchased; fewer limited-edition Rolexes sold.
   Some may even be forced to…brace yourself…liquidate. NOOOO.
   
   #PRAYFORSWITZERLAND
   

4. Cognitive Uprising
   Once Americans see that the same pill is $5 in Canada, $3 in Mexico and $800 in Ohio they might start asking questions.
   Uncomfortable questions.
   And that’s basically TERRORISM.
   Katrina, 9/11, Pearl Harbor…child’s play compared to this.
   

5. Social Interactions Destroyed
   Waiting room small talk? Gone.
   
   “Hi. I’m Janet and I used to choose between Lipitor and groceries” was a classic waiting room icebreaker.
   What is Janet supposed to do now, Trump?
   Talk about the weather?
   THINK, DONALD.
   

6. The Death of Crowdsourcing
   Hey, what’s that crumbling, weed-infested shell of a building over there? Hole in the roof, windows busted out?
   Ohhh…it’s GoFundMe.
   They had to move into their parents’ basement now that people can actually afford their meds. OMG.
   Perfect. Just perfect. Say goodby to the economy.

   
   This is clearly Pharmageddon.
   Hope you’re happy, Orange Man.