In my world, all stations get switched to Christmas music November 1st. I have more Christmas music than any other genre. In addition to my playlists, I enjoy perusing the holiday offerings brought to us by Pandora.
But I have strong opinions when it come to Christmas music. They are not popular opinions and they certainly don't comprise the proverbial "hill I will die on," but I hold them, nonetheless. What's more, unlike other opinions, these have not changed over the years. I have not veered from my Christmas music core beliefs.
Do not even try to argue with me on this. I will not change my mind. This doesn't mean I don't enjoy other artists' Christmas albums, nor does it mean I don't own other artists' albums, but in my heart, they are all second best to Nat and Johnny.
I still have all my Nat King Cole and Johnny Mathis records and cassettes. Good times at the music store. Buy the cassette and then rush out to the car to start playing it.
(EDUCATIONAL PORTION OF THE POST)
Kids, music stores were places you could go to buy records and cassettes of your favorite artists. A record is a vinyl disk, like a really thin frisbee, that produces sound when played on a record player.
A cassette is a plastic rectangle filled with brown tape. The music is on the tape. And sometimes the tape would loosen and you'd need to use the eraser end of a pencil to tighten it.
BONUS LESSON: Kids, a pencil is a narrow stick of lead surrounded by wood with a rubber piece at the bottom. It was a writing instrument used by man before keyboards.
When the lead point was worn down from usage, you would insert the pencil into a device, crank the handle, and the rotating blades inside the device would sharpen the instrument, making it once again ready for use. "I need to sharpen ALL MY PENCILS" also became a great way to waste time in the classroom.
Second personal opinion: you have to EARN a Christmas album.
Seriously. I'm listening to Pandora the other night and I yell from the kitchen, "I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE."
Christmas albums today are like memoirs: ANYBODY can put them out. This doesn't seem right to me. There was a time you had to EARN a memoir by actually accomplishing something AMAZING or overcoming some sort of incredible obstacle.
Today, there are no rules. Many memoirs are written simply to generate sympathy for the author or cater to someone's over-inflated ego, and ego which makes them think THEIR story is worthy of attention, when really, it's a bland retelling of an unremarkable life. Not unremarkable in that it had no value, because all life does, but unremarkable in that literally millions of people had the same experience. Oh, your parents divorced? Ohhhh. You battled some stuff?
Get in line, skippy.
Speaking of memoirs, lovely Huma Abedin, a political staffer and wife of Anthony Weiner, has a memoir out.
Again, coming from the premise that everyone wants to read about my personal life. And I'm only 45 years old. And I staffed for Hillary Clinton and was married to Anthony Weiner, aka, "Carlos Danger."
This is odd to me.
The only thing interesting is the Weiner part. Take away the Weiner and there's not much there. I think she's hoping to make money off the Weiner.
Weiner money. Basically, the Weiner got the book deal.
Now, Julie Andrews book "Home?" Written in her 70's about a life lived? You bet your sweet bippy I've got that book. I read it as hungrily as one would down a pizza after a low carb diet.
But Huma? Yeah, no, which brings me back to the earning of a Christmas album.
I still believe you have to pay your dues for a Christmas album. I mean, you don't, of course, but if you haven't, I will hit that "next" Pandora button with the speed and confidence of Anthony Weiner sending pictures of his lil' weiner.
And rounding the bend on My Personal Christmas Music Opinion Lane, we arrive at the last place on the tour. It's a little belief I like to call: one-must-not-deviate-too-much-from-the-standard. Sure, a little artistic license, but if you turn the lyrics, "Oh, holy night" in a run that lasts 10 seconds, you will be banned from my Pandora altogether and I will spend the next half hour talking about you to whoever is unlucky enough to be around me at the time.
So, there you have it. My unpopular opinions regarding Christmas Music.
I apologize for nothing.